To my future self and the inevitability of forgetting while human
Step 1: describe the experience of this rut
It feels like there is a dullness and weightiness of mind, that every effort is going against inertia, that the most efficient mode of motivation is to lurch from easy, quick stimulation to another, like grasping at boulders in a river. I feel tired, I do not have an excess of energy to be able to engage with fantasy or creativity in a stimulating way. Creativity feels inaccessible and nothing inspires me enough towards action. I know I want to want to do all the things I wished I had the time for, but my days just feel like waiting for each one to end to get to the next. I feel lethargic. I could go to sleep, and I’d subconsciously prefer to so I don’t have to feel like I have to do anything, and time will pass and it’ll get to the next day sooner. I’m looking out from my eyes but I’m having a hard time really seeing. Im not in the place that I am. I’m not in my environment, I am not even in my body. Im stifled in my head mostly. My inner world feels more inaccessible. I think I’m observing myself internally but theres nothing to see, I dont know where to go or what to do. Mental images feel out of reach. I feel completely disconnected from the lower half of my body. When I close my eyes and try to rest my mind, I just feel like Ill fall asleep. I’m like a lookout on a dark cave with nothing coming forth and nothing to perceive. My chest area feels guarded and constricted but mostly numbed. I feel disconnected from what I perceive. My mind feels weighty, everything takes effort.
Step 2: translate that experience into the language of Life Force
Lack of circulation. pooling of stagnant energy weighing down because no outlet for it. A closed system of self with no intimate inter-action with experience. A closed system of self constricting itself to the point of exhaustion. non-renewable sources of energy. reliance on external hits of energy because no novel energy is flowing through experience. preoccupation with the self-state hindering circulation of experience to a potential novel constellation. closing down of self-system because of the implicit belief of needing to protect and guard what little life force is left. The feeling that activating experiences take life force and so those experiences must be guarded against.
A closed and calcified self system turned too much inwards.
Step 3: discern the energetic antidote
Open the self-system up and out. Loosen grasp on narratives about the self-state ie. conceptually open and also somatically intend on orienting to an open and outward facing energy, perceiving the passage of time as flow of novel energy filtering and realigning the self state to a more open and balanced state.
Step 4: cultivate the antidote into moment to moment daily practice
Do not be proccupied with incremental changes not being satisfying enough, the threshold of not collapsing back into initial closed self will be passed through time. Anticipate residual thoughts, experiences, narratives from closed self-paradigm and re-intend with ease and faith in the process on the novel open state.
Remember: the butterfly effect – small changes in initial conditions lead to larger state changes over time. As the influx of more experience filters through the new self-structure shape, it realizes it through more and more interactions.
Notice and welcome novel opportunities that arrive to support this process of opening on every dimension of life/experience. <3
It’s amazing and merciful how quickly the experiential paradigm changes back to health once wholistically intended upon.