In interpersonal relationships that generate tension in our lives, a question that penetrates to the heart of much of our suffering is “can i accept that this person may never change”?
In my experience, the desire that someone will change can be a desire we subconsciously hold for years, and decades, continuously setting us up for hurt and disappointment. No matter how valid the desire for them to change is… we must accept that they won’t.
Now, as for what is within our scope of influence, we can communicate and we can change our actions. These are the best chances we have in effecting change in another person, but more importantly, changing our relationship to that person that alleviates some of our undue suffering (whether it be a change in frequency of contact, proximity or even change in expectations).
A habit that I notice myself partaking in often, that generates a lot of undue suffering in relationships, is that I think that I can accept that another person won’t change, and yet I unconsciously hold onto a growing resentment in my body towards that person, that only incrementally builds as they do more of the things that bother me. My mind thinks its modifying its expectations but something deep inside of my body still resists… still insisting that the other person should change and that it shouldn’t give up trying.
And I’ve noticed that this actually serves a particular function unconsciously, which is this; As a non-confrontational person, I find it more comfortable to try to “accept” another person than to communicate to them that something they are doing bothers me.
(This can be a tendency for many people who consider themselves “spiritual”, as they can recognize that the ego is the one being activated and so interfacing with someone who “activates” us is a chance to practice relinquishing a part of our egos.)
But while this is the narrative I hold consciously, I feel my body very very subtly holding onto the desire that I can change them… or more specifically, I resist fully surrendering the desire to let go of the desire to change them, because it feels my acceptance would be a form of enabling – or even validating – that behavior.
A part of me thinks it can let go, while a part of me really does not want to validate that what they’re doing is ok, so it holds onto the desire to do or say something. But this desire comes in tension with my desire not to confront and create a temporarily awkward, or even rupturing, experience in the relationship.
I think the function of anger is that it generates energy for us to act in response to what is angering us. I think the same goes for the experience of being annoyed. When we feel this inner activating tension that arises in relation to a challenging interpersonal dynamic, whether its simply feeling subtly annoyed to feeling full on angry, that is our unconscious moving towards an action (be it verbal or behavioral) that feels like it could help rectify the situation.
If we’re non-confrontational, we may hold all that energy inside of ourselves. But by doing so, we only put off the eventual fruition of the unconscious desire for action into the inevitable future – since we can only hold that building tension for so long. When our annoyance or anger, both forms of internal resistance, reaches a certain threshold, our usual mechanisms for communication may feel overwhelmed to the extent that we snap reactively. In a way, the ego that does not find an outlet for it’s desires through direct, clear communication wants this experience of desperation, because it feels forced into acting on its desire instead of ever having to make the difficult choice of when and how to communicate intentionally (This is actually the underlying logic of all procrastination, whether it be running late to an event or putting off an assignment until the deadline forces one to act. (People who find decision-making or initiating-action difficult, overwhelming or uncomfortable have a particular tendency towards this dynamic of unconsciously waiting for situations that seem to force them to act)).
Interpersonally, though, this place of forced desperation, where the ego’s conflicting desires finally break its capacity to hold back, is the hardest place to respond clearly or skillfully from. Maybe a part of us, hidden deep down, wants to react in an unskillful, hurtful way to really increase the chance that the recipient will really internalize our hurt… and therefore change. But what this ultimately does is just have us carry this hurt within us so much more than is necessary in the process.
If confrontation is difficult, there are ways of micro-dosing feedback, although it may not be as effective as having a full conversation. Being honest about whether your boundaries with time, energy and proximity can be modified in relation to this person is also a means of protecting the relationship if it’s one that you still want to maintain yet aren’t ready or wanting to directly address the difficulties you are experiencing with them. Sometimes this extra space and breathing room allows us to feel authentically safe enough to practice relinquishing our desire to change them, whereas if we do not have boundaries with them at all, the unconscious is going to generate that inner energy to act/speak (out of a valid desire for self-protection), that when suppressed, results in our suffering.
My intention with this piece is to bring awareness to this often unconscious dynamic. Sometimes, just an awareness of what we are unconsciously doing in real time creates a little more space for us to consider responding differently.